"Not Here"

This is the title song from my 1986 cassette Not Here. That whole collection was rather angry and depressed, reminding me that even during my glorious 1980s, there was some darkness. I still have my periods of doom and gloom, but lately things have been looking up. I’ve been writing a lot more, and that feels good, and gives me hope for the future.

It was around the time of the recording of “Not Here” that I did something that even now I cannot explain: I turned down the opportuning for a threeway with two attractive females. Yes, every guy’s fantasy was mine for the taking, and I turned it down. Was it fear? A sudden irrational attack of morality? Stupidity? Why did my otherwise flimsy self-control choose that particular moment to assert itself? *sigh*

“Everything looks worse in black and white.” – Paul Simon

Current listening: Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, S.R.O.

Not Here

© 1985 Brian Hutzell

Where do you want to be?

                  Not here

How do you feel about it here?

                  It makes me nervous

                  Kinda sets me on edge

Why?

                  We've gotta talk

Why?

                  Not here

Where?

                  Not here

Why?

                  It makes me nervous

What?

                  Kinda sets me on edge

You're not really facing the problem, and you're hurting people

Why?

                  It makes me nervous

Why?

                  Not here

You're kidding yourself into thinking everything means nothing. It meant something to you once, remember? I see; you don't want to remember. So you play hard-ass, and on the outside you're a big stud, while all the time you feel like a slime because you know how it feels. It's a game of revenge, isn't it?

If you listened to me, you wouldn't be here

“December Blues 18”

Brian Hutzell

From December Blues

Part 12 of MMXIII Variations