"Why Did You Laugh?"

I’ve been off and on with music for quite a while now. In a series of attempts to rekindle the flame, I’ve tried a host of new instruments including guitar, mandolin, bass, alto trombone, and euphonium. I get fired up for a few months, or weeks, or days, then *splut.* I think I’m done with music as a performer.

Why Did You Laugh?

© 2015 Brian Hutzell

[verse 1]

I saw a stranger in the sky

Maybe I could be that guy

You think you’re a punk, but that’s a lie

I find your bulbous nose repulsive

Your hair is making me itch

Maybe after lunch you’ll appreciate my gift

[chorus]

Why did you laugh? Why did you laugh at me?

I wasn’t being funny; I wasn’t making a joke

What did you find so funny?

I thought you were going to choke

I was feeling great until I heard you laugh at me

[verse 2]

I nearly crushed a tiny gray mouse, no bigger than a bee

Knowing I could do such a thing terrifies me

I might spend a lifetime regretting a second

[repeat chorus]

[bridge]

You’re talking so much I can’t hear you

Your voice is soft as cotton

I disagree with your taste

But the lesson’s not forgotten

[verse 3]

I’ve been away from the city

Off the street

So far out of the loop

I paint with my feet

[repeat chorus]

"Why Does The Rain?"

A lost song. These lyrics were written for Plastic Mikey, and I can remember performing this song live, but now the music is lost, and I don’t remember it. I love the words though. Some of my early lyrics make me cringe when I read them, but not these. Maybe they should, and I’m just too stupid to notice. I don’t care. Did I ever really feel this optimistic? Can I ever feel that way again?

Why Does The Rain?

© 1994 Kevin Dempsey and Brian Hutzell

Will there ever be a time when rainbows end

And flowers in the wind refuse to bend?

Will I wake up with no questions in my mind,

My curiosity completely satisfied?

I hope, I hope I never outgrow the sun

I hope, I hope I never stop having fun

Will I ever stop believing in my dreams,

Those reassuring possibilities?

Will I ever tire of tasting forbidden fruit?

Will I ever jump without a parachute?

I hope, I hope I never become too sane

And I hope, I hope I never stop wondering...

Why does the rain? [5x]

When the world says ”No,” I’ll be saying “Yes!”

When there’s no clear way to go, you might as well guess

They can shoot me down forever if they want

But when forever’s done, I’ll get back up

I hope I never listen to my fears

I hope I keep finding new frontiers

I hope, I hope I never stop feeling pain

And I hope, I hope I never stop wondering..

Why does the rain? [5x]

"Wish Upon Tomorrow's Star (1987)"

In nearly every case where I’ve rewritten a song to be more commercial, I wind up preferring the original. That’s the case with this one. The word that I heard applied to my music more than any other was “quirky.” I like that. I should have emphasized the quirky and not worried about the commercial.

Wish Upon Tomorrow's Star (1987)

© 1987 Brian Hutzell

On a clear night, you can see the stars
Made for wishing after dark
I once made a wish for love to be sent my way

But I wasn't listening when the warning came

Don't make a wish tonight

For fear it might come true

Once chance is all you get

Wish upon tomorrow's star

I was careless, acted foolishly
I had asked for a love I didn't need
But the star heard, and it little cared
When the gift came, I was unprepared

Don't make a wish tonight

For fear it might come true

Once chance is all you get

Wish upon tomorrow's star

Wish upon tomorrow's star

Wish upon tomorrow's star

Wish upon tomorrow's star

On a dark night, I still look for stars
Cause I remember two broken hearts
There was my new love, a present from the sky
There was my true love, who said goodbye
That unlucky night has left me alone and hurt
If I could go back in time, I'd say not a word

Don't make a wish tonight

For fear it might come true

Once chance is all you get

Wish upon tomorrow's star

Don't make a wish tonight

Wish upon tomorrow's star

"Self Portrait 3"

Brian Hutzell

"Wish Upon Tomorrow's Star"

This song is based on idea supplied by Becky Talmadge, my longtime penpal. I was always fond of this one, but never got a good recording of it. The last time I tried was in the late 1990s, shortly after Hitomi and I moved to Round Lake. I was sequencing a bunch of songs on the Roland KR-570 with plans to record them, but aside from some very rough demos, nothing came of all that work. I headed back to work at Abbott Laboratories, which was a good job, working with people I liked, but the job just wasn’t right for me. The whole Round Lake episode sent me into a tailspin from which I’ve been struggling to recover ever since. It’s not Abbott’s fault. Nor is it Round Lake’s fault. The blame is all mine. I got so depressed that Hitomi was worried about me. She suggested we move back to the Boston area, which we did. There, living in an apartment in Central Square, Cambridge, I attempted to turn myself into an artist. It was fun, but financially a disaster. That’s something else we’ve been struggling to recover from ever since.

Wish Upon Tomorrow's Star

© 1985 Brian Hutzell

Don't make a wish tonight

For fear it might come true

Once chance is all you get

Wish upon tomorrow's star

There's a star looking at me

A familiar light and it points at me

We have met before when the sky was clear

It's up there now and I think I hear

It reminding me of a wish I made

I commanded it and the star obeyed

I made a wish for love to be sent my way

And so it was I found her the next day

The clouds rolled in when the sky turned dark

And I never thanked the star

Don't make a wish tonight

For fear it might come true

Once chance is all you get

Wish upon tomorrow's star

There's a star tonight scolding me

For the love I lost foolishly

She was sent to me after my request

She was good to me, full of tenderness

But I ran away and it broke her heart

I'm ashamed to see that accusing star

I made a wish for love to be sent my way

Then I hurt the one who loved me yesterday

My eyes looked up when the sky turned dark

Wish upon tomorrow's star

Don't make a wish tonight

For fear it might come true

Once chance is all you get

Wish upon tomorrow's star

Don't make a wish tonight

Wish upon tomorrow's star

"Witness"

This song comes from a copyright collection called “In Case of Fizzle.” The title refers to the fact that the band JEREMIAH was on its last legs, and its survival was not at all certain. We did one last batch of recordings at Normandy Sound, with Phil Greene engineering and producing. The result: nothing. We broke up. The last incarnation of the band included Ron Ward on bass. Ron recently passed away, and it still seems unreal. He was just a few years older than I. Now I am trying to reinvent myself as an academic, and I’m not sure if it’s working or not. I’m reading and writing a lot, but am I really learning anything? Am I preparing myself for success?

Current listening: Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark

Witness

© 1986 Brian Hutzell

You were there

You saw it all

You could have solved the mystery

You were scared

You never called

Another hole in history

Witness, scared shitless

You were called late at night

A threat to keep you quiet

You were told to testify

You know the truth but hide it

Witness lost interest

Witness, stay with us

Witness, it's serious business

"Hey, I understand: you don't want to get involved."

            It takes time

            It takes courage

"Just call me a chicken"

            It takes someone to speak out

"Listen to the words!"

Witness won't listen

Witness won't witness

Walking home you were attacked

You screamed to passers-by

You were ignored

Stabbed in the back

How dare you wonder why

Witness, now victim

Victim needs witness

Chicken, not witness

Victim of justice

"Doonesbirdie"

Brian Hutzell

"The Workshop"

I recorded this song first for my “December 1985” cassette. I re-recorded it for “TFM” in 1986. The six cassettes I recorded between October 1985 and May 1986 may represent the apex of my creativity. Those tapes were just rudimentary and experimental 4-track efforts, but even though my songwriting, voice, and recording techniques all improved later on, I don’t think I ever topped that burst of creative flow. These days, most of my effort is going into school. I have a discussion post due tomorrow. I’m in week 6 of an 8 week course, the first in my MPA program at Upper Iowa University. It’s all online, which is not ideal. I hope I can get into a school with an actual classroom. Right now I’m eying Dartmouth or Brown, for an autumn 2016 start.

The Workshop

© Brian Hutzell 1985

Retire to the workshop

Lock the door

No one gets in and he never comes out

What does he eat?

Light's on twenty-four hours a day

What's he doing in there?

Is he okay?

When does he sleep?

He just disappeared one day

With a notebook in his hand

Said he had big plans

He never stops

Works on and on

In the workshop

Reside in the workshop

What is it for?

No one goes near and he never appears

Is he alive?

Yes, we hear him tinker away

Night and day

Why does he stay?

Can he survive?

He just disappeared one day

With a notebook in his hand

Said he had big plans

He never stops

Works on and on

In the workshop

photo by Bob Rein

"World's Greatest Poet"

I wrote this and a whole bunch of other song lyrics on a train ride between Boston and Des Moines. I enjoyed that trip. Much better than the bus, but the bus was much cheaper so I used it more often. The photo below is of me boarding the bus in Des Moines on my way to Boston to attend the Berklee College of Music. I think I ate popcorn at every stop along the way. It was in Boston that I discovered one of life’s great pleasures: seeing a movie in the theater accompanied by popcorn and apple cider.

World's Greatest Poet

© Brian Hutzell 1985

He's got a room to himself

Littered with his writings

Never throws them away

Gonna write a poem someday

Without any help

He finds it exciting

He has a desk in his room

Piled high with papers

He's been trying for years

And the end is nowhere near

Without any fruit for his labors

World's greatest poet

Can't come to the phone right now

World's greatest poet

Can't come to the door right now

He's working on a masterpiece

Let him have some privacy, please

He needs some time alone

He rarely wanders outside

Doesn't feel secure there

Enjoys watching TV

A study of passivity

Never satisfied

He'd like to go somewhere

World's greatest poet

Can't come to the phone right now

World's greatest poet

Can't come to the door right now

He's working on a masterpiece

Let him have some privacy, please

He needs some time alone

World's greatest poet

Cursing his writings

Mustn’t be disturbed

He needs some time alone

World's greatest poet

Can't come to the phone right now

World's greatest poet

Can't come to the door right now

He's working on a masterpiece

Let him have some privacy, please

He needs some time alone

"Yes"

I spent most of the day today doing reading for school. Hours and hours of dull academic articles. But it’s okay, because I feel like I’m maybe getting it. The last time I was in school was in Boston. My major was finance, but the classes I most enjoyed were those I took in religious studies. The poetic style of the lyrics for “Yes” reflects all the Old Testament reading I’d been doing at the time.

Yes

© 1992 Brian Hutzell

There's a question sitting between us,

Sitting between us a question I'd like to ask

Am I up to the task, when I know what the answer will be?

It's a subject we seldom mention

We seldom mention the subject 'cause we have seen the trouble it brings,

So he answer will be?

It's a subject we seldom mention

We seldom mention the subject 'cause we have seen the trouble it brings,

So why should I take that chance?

But I persist

I can't resist the urge to humiliate myself by dreaming of the day you say...

Yes!

I confess I'm gonna keep on trying till you acquiesce

I guess, with each caress, I'm hoping I'll be that much closer to success

Yes, I believe in love; yes, I believe in us

And yes, I believe that someday the answer will be "Yes!"

There's a problem with a solution,

A simple solution I'd like to suggest for the pain in my chest

All you have to do is say, "Yes."

You answer me, "It can never be."

Tell me why before I die

No! I don't want to know--it can only make our problems grow

Wait! I take it back!

Unless you tell me what I lack, I'll be wondering

And wondering is worse than knowing

Yes!

I confess I'm gonna keep on trying till you acquiesce

I guess, with each caress, I'm hoping I'll be that much closer to success

Yes, I believe in love; yes, I believe in us

And yes, I believe that someday the answer will be "Yes!"

I've grown so accustomed to "no"

I get more than a little depressed

Although there's no reason to expect it,

Something in me still harbors hopes of "yes."

Yes!

I confess I'm gonna keep on trying till you acquiesce

I guess, with each caress, I'm hoping I'll be that much closer to success

Yes, I believe in love; yes, I believe in us

And yes, I believe that someday the answer will be "Yes!"

"W5"

Brian Hutzell

"You And Everybody Else"

This song was included in my very first copyright collection, “Neither Preludes Nor Fugues.” I recorded it many years later, as part of my tape “Making a Mess.” I started work on a follow-up tape to be called “Another Fine Mess,” but that one was never finished.

"You And Everybody Else" on YouTube

You And Everybody Else

© 1983 Brian Hutzell

Everybody loves you

You love everybody

You use everybody and everybody uses you

Everybody feels you

You feel everybody

You choose everybody and everybody chooses you

Let me know the next time you are free

Maybe you can spend a little time with me

Pick a number, stay in line

Don't give up but don't lose your mind

Some again if I'm not at home

That's just the way I live; I'm never alone

'Cause when I'm alone my defenses are down

And when I'm down there's no fun to be found

Everybody hugs you

You hug everybody

You tease everybody and everybody teases you

Everybody's with you

You're with everybody

You squeeze everybody and everybody squeezes you

Please spend a little more time with me

I'm in love with you

Can't you see?

Pick a number, stay in line

Don't give up but don't lose your mind

Some again if I'm not at home

That's just the way I live; I'm never alone

'Cause when I'm alone my defenses are down

And when I'm down there's no fun to be found

"Page 11"

Brian Hutzell

"You Can Leave When You Want To"

At Northwestern, I joined a dream club, in which we all wrote down our dreams and then shared them in the group. At least that was that theory. I only attended a couple of meetings. But I’d been logging my dreams even before that, beginning with one in which I turned into Agnetha Fältskog from Abba. I still do it, when I remember them. A few times, I have turned dreams into songs, and this is one of them.

You Can Leave When You Want To

© 1984 Brian Hutzell

Gonna be late, hurry up

You can drink your coffee on the train

The boss can't wait, so pour another cup

For this job you've got to be awake

But sleep, sleep

You can leave the world when you want to

Just sleep, sleep

You can go wherever you want to

In a dream, dream

Aaah, dream, dream

Sitting on the porch in a lawn chair

When the chair lifted up to the sky

And I let it go and floated on because I'd died

And it felt so easy not to live anymore

And I could look down on the living till the Earth disappeared

And only the stars surrounded me

No one was there to guide me

All my questions went unanswered

So I went to sleep, sleep, aaah

And when I awoke I was in the bedroom I grew up in

My parents were sitting in the dining room

Calling me to breakfast

Gonna be late, hurry up

You can drink your orange juice on the bus

School can't wait, button up your coat

Test today; you've got to get an "A"

Don't cry, don't die

You can leave the world when you want to

But it won't do you any good

Aaaah

"Octopush 5"

Brian Hutzell

"No Regrets"

I've never been very good about getting my creations out and about. This blog is an attempt to rectify that, at least to some minor extent.

"No Regrets"

© 2011 Brian Hutzell

"You Don't Know"

This song appears on my 1986 tape “Not Here,” which is probably my darkest recording. I hear an owl outside my window. That’s the second time I’ve heard him lately.

You Don't Know

© 1985 Brian Hutzell

You're steady with him

Have been for some time

As long as I've known you

He's left you again

But he will return

Until then you feel lonely

Give me a call

Tell me you trust me

Come over

Stay the night

I accept your invitation

Come closer

Hold me tight

I'll be your consolation

Come sleep with me tonight

You test my self-control

You don't know how lonely you are

You love your man

You have for too long

To forget the fact

But when you're alone

You need someone else

I step in

I feel lonely

I'll pretend you really want me

Come over

Stay the night

I accept your invitation

Come closer

Hold me tight

I'll be your consolation

Come sleep with me tonight

You test my self-control

You don't know how lonely you are

You don't know how lonely you are

You don't know how lonely he is

You don't know how lonely I am

And you never will till one of us leaves

You say you're loyal

Dressed in angel white

But where is your halo

You've lost it again

He must know by now

What do you think he's thinking?

Give it a thought

Forget about me

Come over

Stay the night

I accept your invitation

Come closer

Hold me tight

I'll be your consolation

Come sleep with me tonight

You test my self-control

You don't know how lonely you are

"You Sold Me"

This was one of the last songs I recorded before heading back to school in January 1987. School and I have an ugly relationship. If I had to pick one day I’d love to repeat, it might be the day I left Berklee, and spent the day in Boston Common, walking around, reading, writing in my journal, and enjoying me freedom. If I had to pick one day to do over but differently, it would be the day I had my withdrawal papers in hand to leave U. Mass, but then didn’t turn them in. Instead, I went ahead and spent the next four years earning a degree I’ve never used, and often regretted. Now I may be in the process of making the same mistake again. I’m not just a slow learner, I’m a non-learner.

You Sold Me

© Brian Hutzell 1986

I was in the market looking for a deal

You were right there watching, gearing for the steal

I was unsuspecting, silly and green

You were right there waiting

Patiently baiting for a chump like me

You sold me a loser

This one's never gonna work

You sold me

Yes you, sir, hit me right where it hurts

Everybody told me

But you went and sold me a loser

Yes, you sir

I carried the money from the cashier's till

You though it was funny - such an easy kill

I was dumb and trusting, innocent and new

You were right there laughin'

You knew what would happen at our rendezvous

You sold me a loser

This one's never gonna work

You sold me

Yes you, sir, hit me right where it hurts

Everybody told me

But you went and sold me a loser

Yes, you sir

You sold me, you sold me

You sold me so cruel

You sold me, you sold me

Everybody warned me, but I was a fool

I was down to nothing, paper for my shoes

I was tired and hungry, looking for some food

You were unsuspecting in your limousine

You lost every penny

Didn't give you any of my sympathy

You sold me a loser

This one's never gonna work

You sold me

Yes you, sir, hit me right where it hurts

Everybody told me

But you went and sold me a loser

Yes, you sir

"Little Theme For a Big Wind"

After a fallow period in my writing, I usually get back into it by composting a few instrumental ditties. That was the genesis of "Victory Street." I followed up that collection with several more over the next three years, but things have been quiet lately.

"Little Theme For a Big Wind"

© 2011 Brian Hutzell

"Young Adult"

I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I love music, but it frustrates me, because to date my music career has been a bust. And now I feel old and out of the loop. I don’t think the music business even exists anymore. I’m like a guy who wakes up at age 51 and discovers that what he wants to do more than anything is to build covered wagons. No matter how good those wagons are, that fellow is going to have a hard time finding work.

Young Adult

© 1997 Brian Hutzell

I know it’s bad; I know it’s wrong

I know it’s not good for me to be screaming and carrying on

I know it’s unwise; I know it’s uncool

I know the smoking and drinking is only playing the fool

Why do I always try to reach for the best but get the worst?

What’s the point of self-destruction?

Why can’t I ever find a useful function?

Am I too young to be grown-up

Too old to be a young adult?

Am I too weak to lift the cup?

Too strong to follow the popular cult?

Where am I?  Where am I?

On the map of life, on the map of life

Isn’t it quaint how I moan about the state of my home?

Isn’t it cute the way I bitch?

Is it more fun to keep the pain or scratch the itch?

It tries imagination

It defies explanation

Here’s a joke that makes me laugh:

I despise the very fish I’m trying to catch

Am I too young to be grown-up

Too old to be a young adult?

Am I too weak to lift the cup?

Too strong to follow the popular cult?

Where am I?  Where am I?

On the map of life, on the map of life

I know it’s rich

I know it’s strange

I know many folks will try to tell me, “Act your age!”

I know I’m lost--gone off the trail

Don’t know if it’s more frightening to succeed or fail.

Am I too young to be grown-up

Too old to be a young adult?

Am I too weak to lift the cup?

Too strong to follow the popular cult?

Where am I?  Where am I?

On the map of life, on the map of life