Never Squeeze a Ripe Aardvark

Never Squeeze a Ripe Aardvark

© 2014 Brian Hutzell

Never squeeze a ripe aardvark

Never squeeze a ripe aardvark

That seems obvious

But you’d be surprised

How many people want to squeeze a ripe aardvark

Still, I caution you against it

"Over There"

John Cleese says the creative individual, or at least the individual who wants to do something creative, or the individual who wants to create something, needs to be in “open mode.” By that, Cleese means open to possibility. Open to an alternate approach. Open to a better idea, a funnier joke, or a more riveting piece of writing. I am reading Tom Robbins’s collection of autobiographical essays (he insists it is neither an autobiography nor a memoir), Tibetan Peach Pie. Robbins is someone who seems to have lived, and is presumably still living, his life in open mode. I’m working on it. I may spend more time closed than open but I have, however, paid attention to my dreams for many years, and occasionally one of them provides the inspiration for a decent set of song lyrics. You may judge whether or not this is one such set.

Over There

© 1984 Brian Hutzell

They stand looking at a painting

Lines twisted into intricate designs

Entitled "The War"

Neither of them had seen it before

But it seemed familiar and disturbing

"I'm in there," she said

He looked but saw only black and white patterns

Then as he looked

The lower right-hand corner turned green

And the figure of a hooded peasant girl appeared

Her robes touched the ground

Her face was hidden

The figure walked slowly away from him

Down a dusty road

He wanted to follow her but he couldn't

She disappeared and he was left alone

“RZZZZZ!”

Brian Hutzell

"Live In The Question"

This song was inspired by a conversation I had with Pastor Craig Ferguson of the Johnston River of Life church. I have my quibbles with organized religion, and some of them are large quibbles, but I envy people with strong faith. They have a source of strength to help them with the questions.

Live In The Question

© 2014 Brian Hutzell

The stars don’t say a thing

I haven’t already heard

So I find it hard to listen

No matter how loud the words

Consequently there are many

Things I’ve never learned

I’d swallow my pride

But it might give me indigestion

I don’t have all the answers

So I must live in the question

I cannot disprove

The existence of God

But I still find the concept odd

The Great Awakening

Was nothing but a fraud

I’d swallow my pride

But it might give me indigestion

I don’t have all the answers

So I must live in the question

The American Enlightenment feels comfortable in my mind

I have great respect for keepers of the shrine

Every act of self-discovery

Is a sip of good strange wine

I’d swallow my pride

But it might give me indigestion

I don’t have all the answers

So I must live in the question

“December Blues 19”

Brian Hutzell

From December Blues

Part 12 of MMXIII Variations

"Hungry People"

This song was recorded as part of TFM back in May 1986. I’m not stingy when it comes to charitable giving, but I don’t like being guilted into it.

Hungry People

© 1985 Brian Hutzell

I know life's imperfect

That's the way it is

I see hungry people

That's the way it is

I live pretty easy

That's the way it is

I have color TV

That's the way it is

How can I sleep

When there are hungry people in my neighborhood?

How can I eat

When there are hungry people without any food?

What can I do when there are hungry people

And I don't feel guilty?

But it makes me nervous

When I see commercials showing starving children

And a voice says I gotta help

I watch television

And I see the news

I hear newsmen tell me

Help is overdue

I'm told: Give my money

Send to this address

I don't spring to action

But I'm curious

How can I sleep

When there are hungry people in my neighborhood?

How can I eat

When there are hungry people without any food?

What can I do when there are hungry people

And I don't feel guilty?

But it makes me nervous

When I see commercials showing starving children

And a voice says I gotta help

I read in the papers

Things are going wrong

I can't dismiss problems

Things that won't dissolve

I'll do what I'm able

But play Santa Claus

I still spot too many

Errors in the cause

How can I sleep

When there are hungry people in my neighborhood?

How can I eat

When there are hungry people without any food?

What can I do when there are hungry people

And I don't feel guilty?

But it makes me nervous

When I see commercials showing starving children

And a voice says I gotta help

"Untitled 1"

Brian Hutzell

"Kennedy"

I mean no disrespect with these lyrics.

Kennedy

© 2001 Brian Hutzell

Just when things are going well

I drop like a Kennedy

Shot down like a Kennedy

Bang!

I hear the report

Who wrote the report?

Who will read it?

It’s a pretty dry read

Playing to a limited crowd

Not very loud

But understandably proud

Pop!

The cork flies from the gun on a string

The rabbit runs away

Startled by the sound

The boys begin to giggle

Giggle and bound

Bound and gagged

Bagged

The pony sagged

The interest flagged

Tongues wagged

And a Kennedy is dragged

Drugged

Across the rug

Looking smug

"Outlines"

Brian Hutzell

"Not Here"

This is the title song from my 1986 cassette Not Here. That whole collection was rather angry and depressed, reminding me that even during my glorious 1980s, there was some darkness. I still have my periods of doom and gloom, but lately things have been looking up. I’ve been writing a lot more, and that feels good, and gives me hope for the future.

It was around the time of the recording of “Not Here” that I did something that even now I cannot explain: I turned down the opportuning for a threeway with two attractive females. Yes, every guy’s fantasy was mine for the taking, and I turned it down. Was it fear? A sudden irrational attack of morality? Stupidity? Why did my otherwise flimsy self-control choose that particular moment to assert itself? *sigh*

“Everything looks worse in black and white.” – Paul Simon

Current listening: Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, S.R.O.

Not Here

© 1985 Brian Hutzell

Where do you want to be?

                  Not here

How do you feel about it here?

                  It makes me nervous

                  Kinda sets me on edge

Why?

                  We've gotta talk

Why?

                  Not here

Where?

                  Not here

Why?

                  It makes me nervous

What?

                  Kinda sets me on edge

You're not really facing the problem, and you're hurting people

Why?

                  It makes me nervous

Why?

                  Not here

You're kidding yourself into thinking everything means nothing. It meant something to you once, remember? I see; you don't want to remember. So you play hard-ass, and on the outside you're a big stud, while all the time you feel like a slime because you know how it feels. It's a game of revenge, isn't it?

If you listened to me, you wouldn't be here

“December Blues 18”

Brian Hutzell

From December Blues

Part 12 of MMXIII Variations

"Gay Broadway"

If you are not familiar with Klaus Nomi, drop whatever you are doing and go listen to him. You can find him on Spotify, YouTube, Amazon, iTunes, etc. Unfortunately, you will not be able to see him perform in person, as he was one of the first celebrities to succumb to AIDS way back in 1983. Those of us who lived through the 1980s know what a scary time it was to move in gay circles in any of the larger US cities. Reagan and the Moral Majority refused to acknowledge AIDS, or if they did, it was to celebrate the disease as God’s vengeance on homosexuals. Religious bigotry and political shortsightedness cost far too many lives. There has always been a segment of the population who insist that they know exactly what God is thinking, and unsurprisingly it is always exactly the same thing these zealots are thinking in their own narrow minds. We can do better than that. We must do better.

Current listening: Klaus Nomi, Klaus Nomi

Gay Broadway

© 2011 Brian Hutzell

I pull a hyphen from my rear

And I put it right here

Nathan Lane is queer

My hair is over my ears

There are many other queers

On Broadway!

Gay Broadway!

Finally there are words

And they fly like birds

Frisky birds and bees

I'm really rather pleased

That the lines I sneezed

Found a home with the queens

Stealing all the best scenes

On Broadway!

Gay Broadway!

I could write more

But I must close the door

There's going to be a song

Before long!

"Flags"

Brian Hutzell

" Friends And Neighbors"

This was actually written in 1981 or 1982 by the informal writing and recording band we called We the People. It was recorded for The Non-Album, which has since been lost. Our songs were so outrageously strange that I can think of nothing to say about them.

Friends And Neighbors

© 1986 Greg Berry, Brian Hutzell, Brian Olson,

"We are starting, give us a beat!"

            "One, two, one two three four"

"Let's go!"

            "You mean now?"

"Ready Greg?"

            "There are fuckers among us."

"Now now"

            "Sing, dammit!"

"One two, on the spotlight

Let's get this song right!"

My dog, Bach, is round and he eats my own pore

While stalking the ground, he meets a pert young whore

He is somewhat green

He has a stringy beard

In a magazine, he saw a man who weird

And, oh yes! He's black!

His bark was quite Southern

And he has the knack to have a pleating yearn.

Several pigs flew by

They all looked like Sweeney Todd

They covered the sky and were made out of sod.

Master John came out and yelled, "Urbay! Urbay!"

Because he had clout and his real name was Ray.

Susan eats pickles

She plays with Master John

She said, "That tickles!" when stabbed with his long dong

"Pink pink pink pink yes!" cried the two when they...um...

Took a long deep breast

Up through the earth came scum.

Master John is up

He is cleaning the pigs

Bach is his own pup, who steals Susan's wigs.

Back to Bach for now.

He is always on the go

He loves to pet cow who stand down there below.

Bach sees Susan nude

Her navel intrigues him

He thinks she is food, but his nostrils are dim.

"Get out of my barn!" cried old Judy the cow

When Bach peed her arm, therefore he lost his sow

Perversion is fun

(That's according to Sue)

She does jump the gun whenever John shoots glue.

"Get off of my rack!" cried the old ugly shoe

According to Jack, your plowing days are through.

Do not make a fuss because your bust is small

Squids anonymous can give you bigger ball.

La la la

This song is over

This song is over

This is the end

This is the end

One two three four

Stop!

“December Blues 17”

Brian Hutzell

From December Blues

Part 12 of MMXIII Variations

"The Door Closes When I Turn Out The Light"

This song comes from a 2014 collection called Songs for Facebook. The title says it all: short songs written specifically to pop up on social media. I don’t have much else to say about it. Instead, I’ll use this space to put in a little plug for my other blog, Barefoot Wordsmith. I started that blog last summer while sitting at Caribou Coffee on Ingersoll Avenue in Des Moines. Then I pretty much ignored it for several months until this morning, when I decided to revive it. The main focus of that blog is a place to chat about writing and creativity. Stop on by when you get a chance. Thanks!

Current listening: David Cassidy, Cassidy Live!

The Door Closes When I Turn Out The Light

© 2014 Brian Hutzell

The door closes

Closes

Closes

When I turn

When I turn

Out the light

The light

“Hippiesea”

Brian Hutzell

"Dinky Dunky Donkey Flunky"

The most unpleasant thing about getting older is that things hurt. There is no reason for them to hurt, yet they do. My back, my feet, my shoulder, my neck, my teeth, and my knees all have their moments of random pain. Most of these aches and pains come on unannounced with no apparent cause. In the event that I hurt myself my banging into something or tripping clumsily, any injury I do to myself seems to take forever to heal. And I get tired far too quickly and easily. Then there are the wrinkles and the dry skin and the flabby gut and the slightly receding hair line and receding gum line. Don’t even get me started on failing memory and eyesight!

Worst of all is the temperamental muse. I used to be able to write songs all the time. These days unless I really force myself to write, it doesn’t happen. There is perhaps some consolation in the fact that as a result of this predicament, I am developing more discipline as a writer. I try to do it regularly. I set both time and word count goals for myself. Even a weird little ditty like “Dinky Dunky Donkey Flunky” represents an accomplishment of some sort.

My writing these days tends to be things other than songs, though I am getting some bonus mileage out of old lyrics by using them as starting points for these blog posts.

Side note: I just ate some crackers and cheese that didn’t go very well together and left a nasty taste in my mouth. I’m going to make some tea.

Current listening: David Cassidy, Rock Me Baby

Dinky Dunky Donkey Flunky

© 2011 Brian Hutzell

Hey hey

I’m a donkey

Just monkey-fucking around

Scrawling my fragmented ravings

Howling at the joon mune

Whistling a slappy toon

“Magic”

Brian Hutzell

"Another Affair"

The 1980s come in for their share of harsh criticism. In music, it was the era of drum machines, New Wave, synthpop, hair metal, heavy makeup, bizarre clothing, and did I mention big hair? Nonetheless, I miss the 80s. I miss being young, in the city, being in a band, making music, and feeling like the world was my oyster. I’ve been listening to David Cassidy today. He was my first musical hero, or rather Keith Partridge was my first musical hero. I still wish I had tried harder to be a teen idol.

Current listening: David Cassidy, Cherish

Another Affair

© 1985 Brian Hutzell & Kelly Gunderson

A gentle wind from yesterday

Turns slowly in my mind

As I blink back wet reminders

Of a love I'll never find

My thoughts run like the ocean

We chased upon the sand

If I close out my surroundings

I can feel you touch my hand

Then we are together

Against and August sky

And I can sense forever

In the remembrance of your eyes

If it was just another affair,

Why did it feel so special?

If it was just another affair,

Why do I dream of you?

I've had so many affairs

Never think of them again

You're a one-night stand

Who will stand in my mind forever

Although it's just a vision

Top pass between the miles

I seem to love you all the more

And I'm happy for awhile

And when my eyes are opened

To the time we have achieved

I'll cling to these reminders

In the daydreams I've conceived

If it was just another affair,

Why did it feel so special?

If it was just another affair,

Why do I dream of you?

I've had so many affairs

Never think of them again

You're a one-night stand

Who will stand in my mind forever

Brian Hutzell

Medford, MA

1985

"Acid Rain"

“Acid Rain” is a one-chord song. Plastic Mikey did a lot of songs that were only one or two chords. The challenge was to write lyrics and melodies that would make those simple chordal structures interesting.

Acid Rain

© 1994 Brian Hutzell and Kevin Dempsey

I was shaking in my shoes, trying to think up an excuse

Why I didn't make a peep when the man stepped on my feet

I was nervous of the whole business

"Have no fear!" said The Cat

I said, "Nobody talks like that

When the only cheery news is finding out we made it through

Another day of acid rain."

He said, "Sure enough, the acid rain will fall

If you think that's tough, just wait till you hit the wall

Don't let this little footrace keep you hiding in your bookcase

Pick up the pace; we can erase the stain of acid rain."

Now I'm hanging with The Cat

And he's got a few tricks in his hat

He's teaching me how to play

And to live every hour of the day

To ease the pain of acid rain

He said, "Sure enough, the acid rain will fall

If you think that's tough, just wait till you hit the wall

Don't let this little footrace keep you hiding in your bookcase

Pick up the pace; we can erase the stain of acid rain."

Then The Cat went on his way, but he told me what to say

When folks complain about acid rain

"Have no fear; we can win!

Are you ready to begin this campaign against acid rain?"

I said, "Sure enough, the acid rain will fall

If you think that's tough, just wait till you hit the wall

Don't let this little footrace keep you hiding in your bookcase

Pick up the pace; we can erase the stain of acid rain."

Plastic Mikey, 1994

Left to right: Mike Mokry, Andy Blanco, Brian Hutzell, Kevin Dempsey

"National Pastime"

This is an election year here in the USA, so politicians on both sides of the fence are busily doing their best to divide and conquer. To read the bickering that masquerades as debate on Facebook, the strategy appears to be working because there seems to be no middle ground. So what is holding us together as a nation? Expanding choice in every aspect of life has led to fewer cultural meeting points. Now it’s all about niche marketing and “the long tail.” Is there a national pastime? Was there ever?

National Pastime

© 1986 Brian Hutzell

Certain things that we do

We've got in common, me and you

Looking around, it's nothing new

All the others are doing it too

It's the same all over the country

It's part of what keeps it together

It's the loving what we are doing

That makes us want to stay on forever

It's a national pastime, soaking up the sun

A national pastime, fun for everyone

It's a national pastime, listening to the radio

National pastime, and we cry when it's over

Certain things we talk about

Guaranteed to draw a crowd

Familiar phrases are overheard

And interested faces catch key words

It's the same all over the country

It's part of what keeps it going

People from every station

Are sharing similar notions

It's a national pastime, going to a show

A national pastime, everyone can go

It's a national pastime, going to a baseball game

National pastime, and we cry when it's over

Common thread, common practices

Common end, common medicine

It's the same in every city

In every desert and every farm

When leisure hours seem empty

Hitch a ride and come along

It's a national pastime, burgers on the grill

A national pastime, searching for a thrill

It's a national pastime, going out on Friday night

National pastime, and it's never over

"Egg Salad"

Brian Hutzell

"Lay Down, Lady"

I remember practicing this one endlessly upstairs in the Medford apartment where Bob and I were living. I’m sure my poor neighbors downstairs got sick of hearing me! In spite of all that practice, though, I never recorded this one.

Lay Down, Lady

© 1987 Brian Hutzell

Is it evidence of my insensitivity

If it bothers you, please accept my apology

When I look at clouds there are no faces and no castle that I see

When I see a cloud I pray for it to blow away

Nothing makes me sad the way a sky that's turning gray

There's no picnic, we'll be staying in

Make no mistake, it's gonna rain

Tell it like it is

Why should I tell it any other way

Honest to a fault

But then what did you expect me to say

When I see you there wearing a shirt that barely fits

Either you're in heat or you're an exhibitionist

Don't pretend to be offended when you hear me say to you:

Lay down, lady

Let me be your lover

Lay down, lady

Let me feel you shudder

Lay down, lady

Let go - loose and limber

Lay down, lady

Listen to the whimpering

When I see a piece of art that others say is great

What I think about is all the time it took to make

Such a silly waste

So many useful items could have filled its place

When you turn me on I won't respond with poetry

Your emotions don't affect my mental chemistry

Something in my soul won't let me go around dressed up for Halloween

If it isn't real, I'm not impressed and I won't come again

I don't want to hear any more euphemisms

Don't pretend

Lay down, lady

Let me be your lover

Lay down, lady

Let me feel you shudder

Lay down, lady

Let go - loose and limber

Lay down, lady

Listen to the whimpering

By any other name it's still the same

Don't be ashamed

There is nothing magical or sentimental in the way we play

Lay down, lady

Play, lady

Lay down, lady

Let me be your lover

Lay down, lady

Let me feel you shudder

Lay down, lady

Let go - loose and limber

Lay down, lady

Listen to the whimpering

“December Blues 16”

Brian Hutzell

From December Blues

Part 12 of MMXIII Variations