"No"

I wrote a song called “Yes,” so why not write one called “No?” Actually, one of my resolutions for 2016 is to say “Yes” much more often. Today is New Year’s Eve, and I have no intention of going out tonight. Neither Hitomi nor I are big partiers anyway, and we’ve both been battling a cold, so we will be staying in tonight. I plan on spending at least part of the evening thinking about next year – what I want to accomplish, and how best to do it. School is part of the equation. So is getting in shape. Saying “yes” is also part of it. Yes to opportunities that come my way. Yes to trying new things. Yes to pursuing dreams. Yes to being in what John Cleese calls “open mode.”

There are also times to say “No!” One of my favorite authors is Jerry Spinelli, and one of my favorite books of his is Wringer. It’s the story of a boy learning to say “no.” I vow to be wiser in my use of “yes” and “no.” Wiser and more committed to my answer.

No

© 2011 Brian Hutzell

Something bad will happen today

Something good will happen

Someone mad could come your way

So you shouldn't be nappin'

Today is another extraordinary day

Same as all the others

No!

I say, "No!"

Whatever you have to say

I say, "No!"

You tell me to have a nice day

I say, "No!"

You want to show me the way

I say, "No!"

What is it you don't understand about "No!"?

Looky there

What does that sign say? It says, "Beware!

Keep on your toes!"

Danger lurks in well-lit hallways

Evil works in business clothes

Road kill

Another victim on the highway

Road rage

Before I even leave the driveway

A brilliant quote

From a brilliant mind:

"Never smoke another man's pipe."

Stuck

Waiting again

Why don't we move?

Why doesn't something happen?

“December Blues 9”

Brian Hutzell

from December Blues

Part 12 of MMXIII Variations

"Half As Bad"

For the past several days, I’ve been battling a nasty cold which has evolved into a nasty cough. Yesterday, just when I thought things were improving, my cat got sick. So I was off to the emergency veterinarian’s office, from whence I didn’t get home until midnight. Today, the cat seems much better, but I feel much worse. Lack of sleep can have that effect. Now all of this comes right at the end of 2015, which I would have to say has personally been just about the worst year I can remember. Still, as they say, it could be worse. But I’d rather it be a lot better.

“Half As Bad” on YouTube

Half As Bad

© 1989 Brian Hutzell and Wally Koekebakker


Everything in my life is going alright
How 'bout you?
Everything in my life is going just as planned
Maybe not all the time, but I get through
Without you, yes I do

And it hasn't been half as bad as the dreams I had
About you and me
And how it would be when we broke up
With my eyes and ears shut
I made it turn out sad
But it wasn't half as bad as that

Everything in my life is going as it should
I am happy
I've got a wife
And just a week ago, we had a baby
A little girl
Now my world turns and twirls
And it blurs the line between yours and mine
And it hurts some of the time

But it hasn't been half as bad as the dreams I had
About you and me
And how it would be when we broke up
With my eyes and ears shut
I made it turn out sad
But it wasn't half as bad as that

What was I expecting? What'd I think would happen?
Somehow I thought apart we would die
But it would take no detective
To see reflected in my eyes that I'm fine

Yes I still and always will
Speculate on what became of the love we made then gave up

But it hasn't been half as bad as the dreams I had
About you and me
And how it would be when we broke up
With my eyes and ears shut
I made it turn out sad
But it really hasn't been half as bad

“December Blues 8”

Brian Hutzell

from December Blues

Part 12 of MMXIII Variations

"I’ve Let You Down"

I’m a decent pianist, but not a great one. I’ve often been awed by those players who can sight read the most difficult pieces perfectly, can hear a song once and not only recreate  it but also transpose it to any key, or can improvise fluidly over the most difficult changes. I’m not one of them. I was once called upon to fill in as the main pianist for a musical production during its rehearsal period, and I did not do a good job. This song grew out of my frustration with that experience. It ended up being a tune Plastic Mikey performed regularly.

“I’ve Let You Down” rough demo on MelodyFusion

I’ve Let You Down

© 1996 Brian Hutzell

I said I didn’t want this job, but I got it anyway

And found myself stuck in a role I never wanted to play

Don’t know what you wanted me to do, but I wish I'd done it better

Now everybody’s screaming at me; I wanna run away

I’ve let you down

I’ve let you down

I’ve let you down

I’ve let you down

I told you you were asking too much in too little time

You wanted me to give you things that were not mine

The last thing I need right now is a little more pressure

I can’t fill the position; I wanna resign

I’ve let you down

I’ve let you down

I’ve let you down

I’ve let you down

I used to see other people down and flat

Somehow I always thought I was better than that

Now I can see that between them and me there’s no difference

When I look at the sky as I lie with my back to the mat

I’ve let you down

I’ve let you down

I’ve let you down

I’ve let you down

“December Blues 7”

Brian Hutzell

from December Blues

Part 12 of MMXIII Variations

"Nothing/Something"

Earlier today I played my first Tuba Christmas. It was sorta fun. I wasn’t playing a tuba though, but my euphonium. I like having and playing a variety of instruments. The next one on my wish list is a Bohemian guitar.

Current listening:  Hayes Carll, KMAG YOYO (& Other American Stories)

Nothing/Something

© 1986 Brian Hutzell

He does nothing very well and he recommends it

As a way of getting well if your world’s too hectic

“Nothing,” he said, “beats something better than anything.”

Well, it took me awhile to figure out what he meant

Then the concept made me smile and I forgot what he said

Nothing remains to clutter up my brain

Nothing is saved ‘cause everything’s the same

Nothing at all is hanging on the wall

“Nothing,” he said, “beats something better than anything.”

I do nothing very well and I enjoy it

I keep practicing the skill, it keeps me quiet

Nothing, I know, beats something better than anything

I’ve developed new interests to conserve my energy

Pinking lint of the carpet, watching the street

Nothing remains to clutter up my brain

Nothing is saved ‘cause everything’s the same

Nothing at all is hanging on the wall

Nothing, I know beats something better than anything.

It isn’t easy to do nothing

Too many distractions, too much something

It isn’t easy, too many ideas

You gotta keep changing ‘cause nothing is never the same thing

Nothing remains to clutter up my brain

Nothing is saved ‘cause everything’s the same

Nothing at all is hanging on the wall

“Nothing,” he said, “beats something better than anything.”

Nothing is just as easily lost as something

Nothing is just an easier form of something

Nothing

Something

“December Blues 5”

Brian Hutzell

from December Blues

Part 12 of MMXIII Variations

"A Good Place To Exist"

My inner conflict between wanting the life of a road warrior bohemian or comfortable domesticity is evident in songs like “Half As Bad” and this one.

Current listening: The Andy Williams Christmas Album

A Good Place To Exist

© 1987 Brian Hutzell

It isn't Sunday in the park
It isn't walking in the rain
It isn't laughter after dark
It's a place I can't explain
It isn't' someplace colorful you'd be sorry if you missed
It isn't anything wonderful
It's just a good place to exist

A good place to exits for awhile
A good place to sit down
A good place to exist for awhile
A place to hang around
A good place to exist for awhile with nothing better to do
Than sitting watching for a smile
A place to wait for you

It isn't anything like I planned
I never saw it in my dreams
I must admit it's rather bland
But when you see it right it gleams
It has a special quality
Like a friend you've always known
When I arrive it welcomes me
I feel perfectly at home

A good place to exist for awhile
A place to settle down
A good place to exist for awhile with the love we've found

I've found I can be happy in a routine
I don't feel disgraced cause my life is commonplace
Having a family suddenly appeals to me
And I want to get married

It's not a holiday resort
It's more enjoyable by far
Than any childhood secret fort
That's exactly where we are

A good place to exist for awhile
I never want to move
Away from such a good lifestyle
I want to stay with you
A good place to exist for awhile
A permanent rendezvous
A place to settle down, have a child
A place to be with you

“December Blues 1”

Brian Hutzell

from December Blues

Part 12 of MMXIII Variations

"No Change"

Meh. This is not much of a song. Reading over these lyrics now, I can vaguely recall the melody, but this one is basically a throwaway. I’ve sometimes opted for quantity over quality. Many a song that could have benefited from a rewrite merely got shunted aside and forgotten. Of course, some songs are beyond saving. I’m not sure which category this one falls into; I haven’t given it two thoughts since the day I wrote it.

I’ve spent most of the day so far doing schoolwork, and I’ve been going pretty well. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I wanted to get as much of this week’s assigned work done as possible before the holiday. That way, I can stuff myself without having unfinished business hanging over my head. Hitomi and I will be dining out with The Fossils at Baker’s Square, which is a nice feel-good spot. And they have great pie! I’ve always been more of a pie than a cake person. As a kid, mom I would frequently have a birthday pie instead of a birthday cake. Sometimes even with candles!

Current listening: The Wild Swans, Bringing Home the Ashes

No Change

© 1987 Brian Hutzell

Thought, no action

Game, no play

Words, no voices

Phone, no change

Work, no business

Clock, no time

Bank, no interest

Call, no dime

Still I see no change

No, it looks the same

Pays to rearrange

Still you never change

We've been together since the early days of puberty

Act like I won you and I'll treat you like my property

I'm running in and out, you treat me like I never left

Alarms are buzzing but you think it's just another theft

Still I see no change

No, it looks the same

Pays to rearrange

Still you never change

“December Blues 4”

Brian Hutzell

from December Blues

"See Nothing"

There is also a “See Nothing III,” which is strictly instrumental. All three appear on my 1986 tape, Reruns. The original “See Nothing” grew out of another short instrumental called “Something Cool.” I wrote a lot of those early instrumental ditties while watching MTV, to which I was totally addicted when it first came on the air.

Current reading: Robert Middlekauf, The Glorious Cause: The American Revolution,1763-1789

See Nothing I

© Brian Hutzell 1985

See nothing

What is there to see?

Do you see anything worth watching?

The TV shows are dull

And the theaters are full

Of motion pictures void of any sense

The time it takes to open

My eyes to see who's spoken

Could very well, I'm sure, be better spent

See Nothing II

© Brian Hutzell 1985

See nothing

The screen is blank

See nothing

See nothing

“December Blues 3”

Brian Hutzell

from MMXIII Variations

"Shy"

I’ve been reading a lot of history lately. Currently, I am halfway through Robert Middlekauf’s The Glorious Cause: The American Revolution, 1763-1789, which is part of The Oxford History of the United States. I also have the next three books in the series which will take me up through the Civil War. In addition to my history reading, I am taking a history class online through Upper Iowa University. I’ve decide that online education is not for me. I tend to be too much of a hermit in the best of times, and this online schooling is tying me even more to my apartment and my computer. The virtual world is nice for shy people in some ways, but in other ways t merely encourages further disassociation with the outside world.

Current listening: The Lounge Lizards, s/t

Shy

© 1988 Vin Colella and Brian Hutzell

Too shy, my heart's alone

Too shy to try again

I hide behind the love I've known

Now I'm too shy.  Remember…

When I was invincible and daring

Life was like a roller-coaster then

The love was new, alike the time we were sharing

The ride stopped, the lights went down; we started to pretend

Too shy, my heart's alone

Too shy to try again

I hide behind the love I've known

Now I'm too shy, but there's still hope

'Cause I know there's someone who will look me in the eye

So I can say how I feel, but I'm so shy

The wish in in my sight; my body quivers

I raise the bow but can't release the arrow

Though it isn't cold, I still shiver

I stand behind the open doors, but they might as well be closed

Too shy, my heart's alone

Too shy to try again

I hide behind the love I've known

Now I'm too shy, but there's still hope

'Cause I know there's someone who will look me in the eye

So I can say how I feel, but I'm so shy

Too shy, my heart's alone

Too shy to try again

I hide behind the love I've known

Now I'm too shy, but there's still hope

“December Blues 2”

Brian Hutzell

from MMXIII Variations

"Striving After Wind"

This is one of the few songs I’ve written in the past ten years which has actually been performed live. It is form the collection Rented Idea, written in Chicago, which contains some songs I’m quite happy with. This one is bases on Ecclesiastes. I toyed with the idea of turning all the songs from Rented Ideas into a song cycle based on Ecclesiastes. That hasn't happened yet, but it still might...

Current listening: The Partridge Family, Bulletin Board

Striving After Wind

© 2011 Brian Hutzell

I deny everything except this song

I deny everything except this song

I deny it

I don’t buy it

I think it's wrong

I didn’t do it

I didn’t see it

I wasn't there

I don’t care

I don’t believe it

I don't get it

I didn't know

I won’t go

It's all folly

Vanity

Striving after wind

It's all nothing

Insanity

Striving after wind

What matters? To what purpose?

We're so small

Do we count at all?

Why bother? What’s the point?

It's all folly

Vanity

Striving after wind

It's all nothing

Insanity

Striving after wind

"December Blues 1"

Brian Hutzell

"Zebras and Trumpets"

I’ve had a very dark day today. Those have been coming more and more often, and the severity is getting worse and worse. Sometimes I want to just walk away from it all. Just leave the apartment with no key, no wallet, nothing but the clothes on my back. Barefoot. And I’d just keep walking and walking until I figured out what to do.

Zebras and Trumpets

© 2011 Brian Hutzell

I saw a billboard and it said

The world will end tomorrow

I saw a billboard, then another

Then a voice on the radio confirmed

That the world will end tomorrow

I don’t believe it for an instant

But it got me thinking

If I absolutely believed this was my final day on Earth

And not just mine, but the final day for everyone

How could it best be spent?

This is not about me

And it’s not about you

This is all about zebras and trumpets

And the best that we can do

To make it through the madness without going mad ourselves

I want to keep my health

To listen to zebras and trumpets

There is no greater wealth

If I die tomorrow

Like the billboard prophesies

Will I really get to watch my life pass before my eyes?

I know there are scenes I will regret

And yet

I will not let the vision get the rest of my zebras and trumpets

This is all about zebras and trumpets

And the best that we can do

To make it through the madness without going mad ourselves

I want to keep my health

To listen to zebras and trumpets

There is no greater wealth

"December Blues 14"

Brian Hutzell

December Blues

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