"Judy"

I am currently taking classes online through Upper Iowa University. Tomorrow begins a new term, and with it the start of two new classes, one on writing and one on art. Returning to school at my age is a bit frightening, but also exciting. I enjoy learning, and am hoping the experience will open some new doors and windows for me.

This is one of a bunch of songs I wrote shortly after graduating from the University of Massachusetts Boston with a BS in Finance. I recorded it as part of a 5-song piano/vocal demo tape. The recording received one favorable review (in Des Moines) and one scathing review (in Chicago). I think both reviews missed the mark, respectively loving or loathing it for the wrong reasons.

“Judy”piano/vocal demo on MelodyFusion

Judy

© 1992 Brian Hutzell and Wally Koekebakker

Words that I hear

I need to hear them from you

Words I've heard today

Tell me anyway

Why can't I sleep?

The questions won't keep any longer

Judy Judy

Judy, you are the light that makes me feel so warm

Judy Judy

Words that I need tonight

I know you'll tell me in the morning

Wish you were here

Another day floats on by

I feel less secure

In a love that's matured

Consumed in the fire of a passion much higher and stronger

Judy Judy

Judy, you are the light that makes me feel so warm

Judy Judy

Thoughts I'm thinking tonight don't always leave me by morning

Go away, suspicion

Don't like to be in this condition

I'd like to believe your honesty, but it doesn't look promising

Judy Judy

Judy, you are the light that makes me feel so warm

Judy Judy

Words that I need tonight...still missing in the morning

“December Blues 11”

Brian Hutzell

from December Blues

Part 12 of MMXIII Variations

"From My Point of View"

This is one of the songs that grew out of a tape Wally sent me when I was still living in Medford. He would send me a cassette filled with bits and pieces of unfinished songs, and I would mine the material for scraps that I liked, and work them into complete songs. Sometimes, Wally would have most of it done, and my job would just be to add some finishing touches. Other times, I would build a whole song around a single line or lick.

I’m craving a tuba.

From My Point of View

© 1989 Brian Hutzell and Wally Koekebakker

Don’t try to make a big fool out of me

We both know it’s true

Every crime is already mine

Nothing left to do

I’ve been running away and I’ve been making mistakes

That don’t mean you can run my life

Don’t mean anything at all, no

What number of things have you done

To make it hard for me

To undo damage already begun

A tainted history

I’ve been running away and I’ve been making mistakes

That don’t mean you can run my life

Doesn’t mean anything at all, no

You are so neurotic

Trying to be a martyr at my expense

You find me exotic

And claim you abuse me in self-defense

So you pray that I slip again

Step on a crack and break my own back

You cackle like a mother hen

Watching another battle plan hatch

I’ve been running away and I’ve been making mistakes

But even when I win I seem to lose

Try looking at it from my point of view

Cause it don’t mean you can run my life

No, it doesn’t mean that at all, no

"She Called Me Love"

Wally wrote the words, then he and I put the music together in a Berklee practice room. The chord structure is very odd. In fact, the whole song is very odd, which is probably why I like it so much. While living in Revere, we tried to make a 4-track recording of it, out first attempt at multi-tracking, and it was only moderately successful. I’d write more about it, except that I just ate supper at my parents’ house, and as is usual on such occasions, I ate way too much. One of Mops’ specialties called “pizza noodle casserole.” Too tasty. Now all I can think about is how stuffed I feel. I’m trying to lose weight, but a meal like tonight’s is going completely the wrong direction. Call me The Blob. Meanwhile, I wish I still had all the tapes I made in Revere.

Current listening: Kava Kon, Tiki For The AtomicAge

She Called Me Love

© 1983 Brian Hutzell and Wally Koekebakker

It is deep the night
Where I have thought I might
Perhaps steal into the moonlit sky
The snow is new-fallen and divine
Remolding this ugly cityscape
For my eyes pleasure

I breathe the fresh air
And I am enjoyed
I see the world healthy, am enlivened
Suddenly I see rebirth

Like my footprints tailed in the snow
And my fingers touch the first cold
As a child
And I blow upon them
My lungs shiver
My lips crack
But it is in smiling

It is life, that important touch
That I once loved and left
She has been abused, yes by my hand
Yet she has not shunned me
I have held her close
She is more than I have known
For the longest time
And it's not too late

“Beat Poultry”

Brian Hutzell

from Brand New Bouncing Suit

"Show Me How You Feel"

I met Wally at Berklee. We walked all over Boston together, and I thought his name was Lyle for several days. It’s not.

“Show Me How You Feel” on YouTube

Show Me How You Feel

© 1989 Brian Hutzell and Wally Koekebakker

Oh, I've been wanting to know you inside and out
Can you hear me shout over the crowd?
Oh, I've been needing to know someone to lean upon
Build a love so strong it can't go wrong
I need you around and I need your love to surround me

Oh, if it's alright
You've got to let me know
Show me how you feel
If it's alright
Don't let it get away
Show me how you feel

Oh, I've been meaning to find you somewhere, somehow
I finally found you and I'm mighty proud
Oh, I've been wanting to buy you diamonds and rings
Fine fancy things
I have none of these
Yet you keep calling me back again
Even though I lack the pennies to get you any trinkets
Do you think it's the love you've waited for?
'Cause I need you around me
And I need your love to surround me

Oh, if it's alright
You've got to let me know
Show me how you feel
If it's alright
Don't let it get away
Show me how you feel

Paint it on the ceiling
So when I look up overhead, I'll remember what I said
I said, "Show me how you feel," and there it is
Michelangelo did it long ago
But feelings fade like peeling paint
If not restored from time to time
So I'm telling you that I'm

Sure that it's alright
'Cause now that you've let me know
Shown me how you feel
It's alright
We'll never let it slip away
You showed me love is real
And time will never steal the feeling

“Dischordant beauty”

Brian Hutzell

from Square Feet

"Stand There Screaming"

I only participated in one group show in Queens, but at least I can say I’ve been shown in New York! Unperformable Music was one of the pieces I had in that exhibit. The others were Bigsong II and More Salad Ideas, which no longer exists. A lot of my art no longer exists. I threw a bunch of it out when we first left Cambridge for Des Moines (stupid), and threw a bunch more out once in Des Moines (more stupid). Sometimes my stupidity makes me want to scream.

Stand There Screaming

© 1994 Brian Hutzell and Wally Koekebakker

She knows how I feel

Right in front of me she steals a kiss from him

Making sure I don’t miss a thing

She knows what I’m thinking

And she knows I’ll stand there screaming inside

I can’t react

This is not the place for that

She hears the silence and its meaning

I stand there screaming

The sound of a voice with no more strength for one more battle

The tone is gone and now there’s just a rusty rattle

A mighty cry, now an exasperated sigh

I stand there screaming inside

They know what we want

But they’re not gonna give it up without a fight

They might eat it right before our eyes just for spite

I stand there screaming at the twilight’s last gleaming

The sound of a voice with no more strength for one more battle

The tone is gone and now there’s just a rusty rattle

A mighty cry, now an exasperated sigh

I stand there screaming inside

A voice with no more strength for battle

All that’s left is a rusty rattle

Loss of breath and a crusty cackle

One more press, and trust me, that’ll crush me

I can only take so much

You try to touch me

I just stand there screaming

I stand there screaming

Pages 18-19

Brian Hutzell

from Unperformable Music

"When I Was Younger"

I love Pentatonix, and am currently addicted to their new video, “Can’t Sleep Love.” I recently watched a documentary about their recent tour. It made me long to be on the road, making music for adoring fans. It also made me want to be 30 years younger.

When I Was Younger

© 1989 Brian Hutzell and Wally Koekebakker

I'm giving it the benefit of a doubt
Don't know why
I'm almost certain that if I think it out
It'll just be worse tomorrow and the next day
I'm living in a delicate pensive hour
And my cries are poorly worded
Lately I've lost the power to reason what I say

No more believing I did the best I could
Didn't want you to leave me, but I guess I understood
A long time ago when I was younger
A long time when I was younger

The distant past is overcast and gray
And the light is glowing dimmer till it completely fades
But I can't reverse events with such denial
The tinted glass my memory has won't stay
Through the night if there's a glimmer of a familiar place
Where our love had its trial

No more believing I did the best I could
Didn't want you to leave me, but I guess I understood
A long time ago when I was younger
A long time when I was younger

What was in my head when I said I'd be fine alone?
If I had only known when I was younger
Yesterday, when I was younger

It must have been at last a million years
I don't' trust the clock
It must have stopped when you went away from here

No more believing I did the best I could
Didn't want you to leave me, but I guess I understood
A long time ago when I was younger
Yesterday, when I was younger

Wally, Brian, & Hitomi in Boston